21Feb2011
United Front Parenting
I remember reading somewhere that it is critical in bringing up kids for both parents to be sending out the same message, be it for discipline or instilling life values, etc. However, my husband and I sometimes have very different approaches. We are opposite in many ways, which is probably partly what attracted us in the first place! Whilst I say no to the third Jammy Dodger, he has a much more laid back approach. Whilst I am adamant that we need to stop bringing our 2-year old into our bed, he just can’t bear to try controlled crying. As I chastise my 10-year old for always taking hours to get her clothes on, he tells me to ‘chill out’ – I see it as me trying to make her more independent; he sees it as me being uptight. Likewise what I decide to overlook at times like; eating food on the sofa, certain tantrums or strops, glitter pouring all over the floor etc. might drive my husband crazy and he will want to ‘deal’ with it immediately.
Sometimes I wonder whether our differing approaches are due to me dealing with our kids far more on a daily basis. Maybe my patience/ tolerance level is lower as a result! For example, it impacts far more on my day if our children haven’t learnt how to get ready on time. When they wont comply in getting their uniforms on for school, it doesn’t really affect dad as he has already left for work.
It’s easy for weekends, in particular, to turn into ‘good cop, bad cop’ with me usually playing the latter. This makes me feel like the angry troll whilst dad comes across as the cool, fun one. It does seem to me that it’s usually the parent who spends more time with the kids who ends up being more the disciplinarian.
So what’s the solution? Should we sit down and decide how we deal with stuff in advance, or do we carry on bumbling along whilst the children whiz from one parent to another to get more pocket money. Our kids definitely sense any cracks or conflict and use it to their advantage! Usually, it just leaves one of us feeling exasperated but sometimes both of us in turn can feel a bit undermined. Maybe it’s just typical family life but if anyone out there has a good solution then please share it!
